Anxiety attack

Funny – as excited as I am about welcoming my family to Japan, as the day nears I found myself getting more anxious.

And it’s not so much about starting a new life with hubby and baby in a foreign land that got me worried most. It’s the fact that Mak’s visiting that got me most nervous.

In winter 1996, Mak visited me in Leeds. I was so excited about Mak coming, I brought new all-season sleeping bag, so that Mak could use my bed while I sleep in the sleeping bag. But Mak did not sleep at my house, instead opting to stay at a Bed & Breakfast not far from Leeds University. I was a bit puzzled at that time but shrugged it off, thinking that perhaps Mak preferred not to stay in my crammed room after being used to spacious hotels and all.

It turned out that apparently when she was in London, I’d said something over the phone which she misconstrued as me saying I did not want her to visit me. Which was ridiculous of course, because I had been looking forward to seeing her, had bought extra warm (thus extra pricey) sleeping bag to be used during her anticipated stay and had planned a visit around Leeds and to my Malay friends’ place. I can’t remember exactly what I said because I certainly don’t remember asking her not to visit – but that’s what she told Ayah, and I got reprimanded by Ayah. That got me puzzled then, and it still puzzled me until today because I certainly don’t remember uttering anything to persuade Mak against coming to visit me.

As she ages, I think Mak gets even more sensitive – to the point that I just don’t get it. When I went back during winter break, when I was back in Malaysia for only 20 days, Mak became merajuk with me because she claimed that I was only busy taking photos of my son, but not taking any photos of hers. Not long after that, Ayah reprimanded me, claiming that I didn’t care enough about my parents to ensure that there are some photos of them in my room – apart from my wedding photo and my baby’s photos. Well, I used to have Mak & Ayah’s photo in my own room when I was single – but that particular pewter frame, along with other cheaper ones had already been packed in one of the many boxes in that room, awaiting departure to my own house some day when I return to Malaysia for good, insya Allah. Yes, it went without saying that I was surprised by this new extra ‘sensitivity’. But the truth is – there were a few photos of Mak taken by my hubby among those hundreds taken of our son. Still, it was unacceptable because to Mak we were not caring enough to take proper picture of hers. Proper, as in, we ask her to smile for the camera, rather than taking candid snapshots here and there. And of course, any effort to make it up to her after she had mentioned her dissatisfaction with us was futile.

So, understandably, unsure about her latest unpredictable ‘sensitivity’, and this being the first time for Mak to visit my house since I’m married, I am extra nervous about her visit.

Any advice on how to overcome this nerve wrecking anxiety?